Feeling Dumb

Besides anything else this is a post about the power of poetry to motivate thought. Last week I read Inside Out and Back Again by Thanhha Lai, it is a deeply moving book written in free verse and tells a tale of a girl’s journey from Vietnam to America. One poem in particular set off an interesting train of thought. Here it is:

This reminded me of myself part way through primary school. My mum was fighting a battle to get me support for my Dyspraxia, I knew that I couldn’t put my ideas on paper, my coordination let me down. This left me with a sense of failure and, as I couldn’t write what I wanted to say, I compromised more and decreased my standards for myself. I thought I was stupid. I denied any attempts to contradict this image of myself, people were just saying I was clever because they cared for me. In the end I got more support and was convinced but it remains a key part of my identity.

My situation is almost opposite that of Ha, the girl from the story.  She knows she is clever but this is undermined by the difference between what she can think and what she can do. I knew I was stupid and this was reinforced by the difference between what I could think and what I could do. Asides from the lack of mental equilibrium both situations have the same pitfall, a temptation to compromise and settle for a lower standard to resolve this painful imbalance between what you know how to do and what you can do.

Remembering this feeling put some of my NQT year into context, rich in theoretical knowledge but shallow in practical competence. The gap is most stark at the beginning of a career. I hope I am a little wiser than when I was 8. I don’t think this makes me stupid but the disconnect is still frustrating. I need valves to let off this frustration, for me this involves developing new ideas and discussing new projects. This is because this makes me feel capable, assured and competent.

I am working to bridge my personal gap between theory and practice and this is significant learning that requires me to push myself beyond my comfort zone. Realising the role projects that allow me to feel clever play has encouraged me to think about how I can balance providing challenge to move on learning and providing my class opportunities to feel clever. Crucially, reading Feeling Dumb again, these opportunities must be real, patronising and overdone praise will only enshrine a feeling of stupidity. Real opportunities must come out of conversation and knowing what makes the children in your class feel alive.